It happened Wednesday, September 26th, 2013. I was wearing a long black dress, a white cardigan and gold dangly earrings. I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend. We had only dated a week, and after a couple drinks I decided I would get back together with him. Being a brand new couple all over again, and a make-out session in his black truck, we decided to go hang out at an outdoor bonfire. After going back to his truck and dropping off his friends, the makeout session continued. Eventually he was pulling up my dress. He was a “virgin” as well. Later I found out he lied.
He was leaning over to the passenger seat I was sitting in. His kisses were deep, and passionate, and I knew if we took it any further we wouldn’t be able to stop. “Pause.” I said breathlessly. I needed to think things trough. Did I want to do this? I didn’t know, I had been drinking. Did I even shave my legs? I was at church not 2 hours ago, how did I end up here, parked outside his house? Before I knew it, he was laying down in the passenger seat and I was straddling him, and we were kissing again. The dress kept getting pulled up higher and higher and his arms were grabbing my legs.
As I undid his belt and pants, I asked, “Do you have a condom?” Like the prepared mother fucker he was, he pulled a magnum out of his glove compartment. He pulled off my blue lace underwear and the struggle began. It wasn’t working. I was a virgin, and he couldn’t get it in. It wouldn’t fit. So finally we moved to the back, so I could lay down and he could do the work. Again, it wouldn’t fit. We tried several positions, and after about an hour of trying we finally managed.
It was the most painful thing I have experienced. He was trying to go slow, but it hurt no matter what he did so I told him to just do his thing. He wanted to do it doggy style. So I obliged. I turned around and let him do what was easier. He suggested taking the condom off, we felt as though it was causing more pain. So we took it off. At this point, I warned him he needed to pull out before he came, I didn’t want a pregnancy. Although lessened, the pain was horrible even without the condom, and the end could not have come fast enough. He wanted to keep going for me, but I assured him it was ok, next time, when it doesn’t hurt as much. At this point, we were fully unclothed, clothes sprawled everywhere and it was 2 am. We had been in his car for over 2 hours. Putting our clothes on was a challenge, and I was numb to what had just happened. I didn’t feel bad about it, I didn’t feel good about it. I only regretted it after we had broken up, but at that point we had fucked several times, so the attachment was already there. But honestly, after the first time, I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to see him, even though he was my boyfriend. I almost wanted to shake it off and pretend it didn’t happen. Also, it hurt for days after. The next morning in nursing clinicals, I couldn’t help but distracted by my aching hips. I was sore everywhere. And in retrospect, there’s no way he was a virgin, and I got played. He denies ever sleeping with a girl before me to this day. I think it’s a lie.
So that was my first time. There were no fireworks. It was not a life-changing moment. It was just a decision that left me feeling like crap months later, after I realized that I gave my virginity to the one guy that deserved it least. I gave him the thing I wanted no guy but my future husband to have. I wonder if anyone else regrets their first time like that. In a way I’m glad I got it over with. But I am determined to not sleep with anyone else. To this day, despite the male attention I get, I choose not to sleep with anyone else. I don’t want a list of people, a list of regrets.